Insect Bug Creepy-Crawly Pest Nuisance Irritation Annoyance Infuriation Exasperation Frustration Aggravation Provocation Irritant Pain Ache Throbbing Sore Tender Loving Affectionate Demonstrative Warm Kind Caring Thoughtful Considerate Understanding Sympathetic Concerned Worried Anxious Edgy On Edge Jumpy Tense Overwrought Stressed Harassed Hurried Quick Rapid Fast Speedy Immediate Instant Instantaneous Direct Straight As The Crow Flies Nonstop Hysterically Uncontrollably Wildly Violently Aggressively Forcefully Vehemently Fervently Passionately Avidly Keenly Eagerly Enthusiastically Excitedly Hungrily Impatiently Intolerantly Edgily Irritation Nuisance Pest Creepy-Crawly Bug Insect
Snow driving
I can't tell if I am moving
Hands are sweating
I can't tell if I am moving
Hands are sweating
Lights seem brighter
I am in the grocery store
I don't feel like I belong to this world
I should leave
Back in my motel
I feel safe
I am a human again
I am in the grocery store
I don't feel like I belong to this world
I should leave
Back in my motel
I feel safe
I am a human again
On this world
Driving snow
I remember it
Those sardines tasted good
I could not get my barrings
My hands were sweaty and lights seemed brighter
Everything was falling apart
In the grocery store
This anxiety attack reminds me of her
As the deli worker hands my the cheese I am scared
Am i crazy?
Insanity can be good for the reputation
But being insane is not fun
February 2009
Driving snow
I remember it
Those sardines tasted good
I could not get my barrings
My hands were sweaty and lights seemed brighter
Everything was falling apart
In the grocery store
This anxiety attack reminds me of her
As the deli worker hands my the cheese I am scared
Am i crazy?
Insanity can be good for the reputation
But being insane is not fun
February 2009
everything is right here right now
everything is right here right now
everything is right here right now
everything is right here right now
no no
i lost it
everything is right here right now
just total come-on
a come-on
everything is right here right now
fuck
i threw the dirt cloths away
i drank some water
i watched some tv to pass the time
i am going to go to bed
i am going to shower first
February 2009
everything is right here right now
everything is right here right now
everything is right here right now
no no
i lost it
everything is right here right now
just total come-on
a come-on
everything is right here right now
fuck
i threw the dirt cloths away
i drank some water
i watched some tv to pass the time
i am going to go to bed
i am going to shower first
February 2009
Nightmare and Then Calming Myself With list
Last night I was constructing a puzzle. Its teeth were huge, I could see my hand through its mouth but I could not understand how my hand got in its mouth to begin with. Well I just tried to forget it, I outta just forget that weirdness or I am gonna go crazy. Why does that happen. What just happened, I was dreaming. I hate raisins and extra of them. I don't like cranberries and cars. I like dollars and fax machines, getting candy bars, being on my own in the Galaxy, cross walks with long green walky lights, new perspectives, America, bikinis on girls with small boobs, walking down the street and noticing someone noticing my shoes, Beaujolais, outrageous good fortune of being the one sperm and egg to make it, hundreds of dollars, bowflex home gyms, old national geographic magazines, the capability of supporting life, Herzog, sand dunes, spiders, kayaks, claystone, fine grained flyash, cream cheese with some cold smoked salmon on a fresh made bagel especially when I was ten years old after art class, New York Museum of Natural History, cobalt from the Congo, digital cameras, complex life, rift zones and associated rocks and minerals, feldspar it is so cool it is very common in igneous and metamorphic rocks but you rarely ever see in it in sedimentary rocks, tobacco, meteor crater in Arizona,
February 2009
February 2009
fishing in the ohio river
oh no we found the cannon and it is far deeper than I could have imagined! But, that is why so many blind fish and mice and crickets are there, it makes so much sense.
A few from January 2009
Fly home baby
i am having fun fucking her heart attack
i see just me
let me in there
let what is in there out
---------
It rains when is pouring
---------
I don't think I feel well
don't
there is no point in me
I am peeling all my muddy flesh
oh he is so sad, yep
"she would hate me anyway"
where is this all going
just over the hill and into the wood
oh I just see it
i am having fun fucking her heart attack
i see just me
let me in there
let what is in there out
---------
It rains when is pouring
---------
I don't think I feel well
don't
there is no point in me
I am peeling all my muddy flesh
oh he is so sad, yep
"she would hate me anyway"
where is this all going
just over the hill and into the wood
oh I just see it
Thought I was what was I doing.
(Heavily edited from an original multi-page rambling chaos I wrote in July 2008 while getting and being quite drunk.)
Outside seems to much. But I can trash it all out.
I think I must have absorbed to much cobalt through my skin.
I cant see colors correctly everything looks to blue.
How can things matter but, they do they do because not mattering is matter.
How can things matter but, they do they do because not mattering is matter.
(Heavily edited from an original multi-page rambling chaos I wrote in July 2008 while getting and being quite drunk.)
Still covered by skin
Some kind of hardwood floor. The sunlight gets trapped. My palms are clammy, clammy palms. Its so easy to fall into easy thoughts, its easy and familiar but it could be different, totally different it is not that big a deal anyway. It’s good and simple, like I like to be. Still covered by skin.
June 2008
Pain shoots through my wounded back.
To much vitamin D, has altered my time senses.
Up on the hill the sand is light gray with small lines, hot.
Larry is over there behind the car door, injecting something into his penis, he thinks I cannot see him.
Hole in the hill and in the ground
I am caving in on myself.
Very stiff
Rain on my itchy arms, my finger have swollen with clear bubbles.
Got to gray spots on my back I love her I can love her.
Finding the faulted sky interesting each this way turning that and unrolling themselves in between.
The lowering clouds of change all the colors stand behind me.
To much vitamin D, has altered my time senses.
Up on the hill the sand is light gray with small lines, hot.
Larry is over there behind the car door, injecting something into his penis, he thinks I cannot see him.
Hole in the hill and in the ground
I am caving in on myself.
Very stiff
Rain on my itchy arms, my finger have swollen with clear bubbles.
Got to gray spots on my back I love her I can love her.
Finding the faulted sky interesting each this way turning that and unrolling themselves in between.
The lowering clouds of change all the colors stand behind me.
June 2008
green curtain as seen in meditation #5
Formika form toes, gotta get teeth to stop grinding, pure curtain of green stands in the way rotten veggies flying out of my chest and extremities, I hold on to them then let then go but I remained stained by there rottenness. Pure green curtain is that all there is, behind the eyes is just suffering existence comes out of the green suffering black specks covering it all flying at me can even see it sometimes. Detached look in and out of my own eyes, at the play land world, I seem to know all intentions I know all reasons for living then am all so blind, but I see the depression behind the mask of being, what are my intentions what do I look like to. All a swirl of oil.
June 2008
June 2008
STOP
STOP stretching due last elite in
STOP halls dump in
STOP hooker company a
STOP dehiscing of a m the hooker a hooker canal in due dehiscing envision elite power nun to winter and delivering
STOP ideal m trade
STOP dehiscing toxic
STOP madras canal envision parturient elite never elite several
STOP the never never of a delivering hooker canal industries finding stretching power of elite hooker envision toxic from hooker
STOP madras hooker during the swam id
STOP the
STOP halls finding
STOP the sled and canal
STOP m broken fused bought never
STOP plan plan several caustic hooker
STOP nun envision a stretching a
STOP elite delivering decades et winter restricted river swam a of never parturient industries site toxic hooker several
STOP et
STOP of delivering swam
STOP canal swam m broken finding broken from finding elite several nun t during nun restricted several decades decades
STOP a sled ideal pentiums
STOP the delivering stretching t elite winter due during pentiums finding during to site
STOP elite and in several et winter boy
STOP several dehiscing restricted elite 1890s
STOP elite finding of never ever
STOP restricted several company power decades toxic the delivering
STOP the m delivering restricted dehiscing a dehiscing and plan boy envision decades madras envision delivering envision winter boy and a m power last decades in sled denim et
STOP stretching site power hooker outright the the
STOP never dehiscing parturient power from dehiscing site m valet the premium delivering
STOP STOP the
STOP in from hooker plan of
STOP decades elite elite from of plan delivering id transmission elite trade toxic sled t halls
STOP river of canal the in never envision treatment delivering 1890s from several
STOP STOP valet treatment in envision of of canal of last industries fused halls toxic et in
STOP due plan
STOP canal m winter
STOP 1890s several
STOP boy industries m finding nun valet due et
STOP of due hooker in
STOP broken plan due dehiscing et stretching several the
STOP elite of
STOP due transmission halls and company ideal swam ideal dump several the purposes toxic dehiscing in madras madras seeded halls restricted
STOP halls dump in
STOP hooker company a
STOP dehiscing of a m the hooker a hooker canal in due dehiscing envision elite power nun to winter and delivering
STOP ideal m trade
STOP dehiscing toxic
STOP madras canal envision parturient elite never elite several
STOP the never never of a delivering hooker canal industries finding stretching power of elite hooker envision toxic from hooker
STOP madras hooker during the swam id
STOP the
STOP halls finding
STOP the sled and canal
STOP m broken fused bought never
STOP plan plan several caustic hooker
STOP nun envision a stretching a
STOP elite delivering decades et winter restricted river swam a of never parturient industries site toxic hooker several
STOP et
STOP of delivering swam
STOP canal swam m broken finding broken from finding elite several nun t during nun restricted several decades decades
STOP a sled ideal pentiums
STOP the delivering stretching t elite winter due during pentiums finding during to site
STOP elite and in several et winter boy
STOP several dehiscing restricted elite 1890s
STOP elite finding of never ever
STOP restricted several company power decades toxic the delivering
STOP the m delivering restricted dehiscing a dehiscing and plan boy envision decades madras envision delivering envision winter boy and a m power last decades in sled denim et
STOP stretching site power hooker outright the the
STOP never dehiscing parturient power from dehiscing site m valet the premium delivering
STOP STOP the
STOP in from hooker plan of
STOP decades elite elite from of plan delivering id transmission elite trade toxic sled t halls
STOP river of canal the in never envision treatment delivering 1890s from several
STOP STOP valet treatment in envision of of canal of last industries fused halls toxic et in
STOP due plan
STOP canal m winter
STOP 1890s several
STOP boy industries m finding nun valet due et
STOP of due hooker in
STOP broken plan due dehiscing et stretching several the
STOP elite of
STOP due transmission halls and company ideal swam ideal dump several the purposes toxic dehiscing in madras madras seeded halls restricted
I am not
I am not reflecting light
I am not already present in the light.
I am not language
I am not response to tangible and realistic dangers.
I am not something questionable or unknown.
I am not negative self-talk
I am not being threatened by a rival.
I am not the nature of knowledge
I am not any system of molecules in a mixture of gasses
I am not something that will prove to be useful or successful in some sense
I am not determined in principle solely by how I relate to objective reality, or by whether I accurately describes that reality.
I am not a point moving in space-time
I am not the world, universe, all physical objects, or abstract objects.
I am not being-in-itself or being-for-itself
I am not a philosophical zombie
I am not an exhaustive combination of multiple colors of pigment
I am not a reductive or non-reductive physicalist position
I am not described by an underlying theory.
I am not consciousness or unconsciousness
I am not an animal
I am not something that is entitative
I am not all that exists
I am not able to breath or think or eat
I am not a feral child
I am not afraid of losing
I am not android who lacks human emotions
I am not worthless
I am not famous (or infamous)
I am not omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence, omnibenevolence (perfect goodness), divine simplicity, jealous, or eternal and necessary existence.
I am not pure awareness
I am not a tracks already available on the long playing album
I am not a a hypothetical massive scalar elementary particle predicted to exist by the Standard Model of particle physics.
I am not entirely in isolation from any effect that might touch my behavior and behavioral disposition.
I am not my behavior
I am not defined as qualities or sensations
I am not unhappy with my life
I am not the lack or absence of something, rather than of anything
I am not able to impress anyone
I am not an infinite variety of universes
I am not anarchist symbolism,
I am not basic emotions or other mental states
I am not happy with my life
I am not a biological organism
I am not different things
I am not the true Dharma eye, the marvelous mind of Nirvana, the true form of the formless, or the subtle dharma gate that does not rest on words or letters.
I am not of indeterminate value and definition
I am not composed of an independently existing fliud substance
I am not a blue sky
I am not my fear
I am not persisting through time
I am not mechanistic
I am not vegetarian
I am not the seat of intelligence
I am not a being with the neurological prerequisites to understand moral consequences and take his life morally seriously
I am not potentially threatening
I am not a mirror-reflected copy
I am not subject to dispute and re-interpretation based on alternate definitions
I am not composed of atoms and electrons
I am not an immoralist
I am not to be taken seriously as a component of my experience
I am not an eleven-dimensional not consistent supergravity reduction line
I am not outside of any psychological states
I am not sugar, foam, pure sand or snow, cotton, clouds, or milk
I am not recasting knowledge
I am not difficult or impossible to convey
I am not
I am not already present in the light.
I am not language
I am not response to tangible and realistic dangers.
I am not something questionable or unknown.
I am not negative self-talk
I am not being threatened by a rival.
I am not the nature of knowledge
I am not any system of molecules in a mixture of gasses
I am not something that will prove to be useful or successful in some sense
I am not determined in principle solely by how I relate to objective reality, or by whether I accurately describes that reality.
I am not a point moving in space-time
I am not the world, universe, all physical objects, or abstract objects.
I am not being-in-itself or being-for-itself
I am not a philosophical zombie
I am not an exhaustive combination of multiple colors of pigment
I am not a reductive or non-reductive physicalist position
I am not described by an underlying theory.
I am not consciousness or unconsciousness
I am not an animal
I am not something that is entitative
I am not all that exists
I am not able to breath or think or eat
I am not a feral child
I am not afraid of losing
I am not android who lacks human emotions
I am not worthless
I am not famous (or infamous)
I am not omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence, omnibenevolence (perfect goodness), divine simplicity, jealous, or eternal and necessary existence.
I am not pure awareness
I am not a tracks already available on the long playing album
I am not a a hypothetical massive scalar elementary particle predicted to exist by the Standard Model of particle physics.
I am not entirely in isolation from any effect that might touch my behavior and behavioral disposition.
I am not my behavior
I am not defined as qualities or sensations
I am not unhappy with my life
I am not the lack or absence of something, rather than of anything
I am not able to impress anyone
I am not an infinite variety of universes
I am not anarchist symbolism,
I am not basic emotions or other mental states
I am not happy with my life
I am not a biological organism
I am not different things
I am not the true Dharma eye, the marvelous mind of Nirvana, the true form of the formless, or the subtle dharma gate that does not rest on words or letters.
I am not of indeterminate value and definition
I am not composed of an independently existing fliud substance
I am not a blue sky
I am not my fear
I am not persisting through time
I am not mechanistic
I am not vegetarian
I am not the seat of intelligence
I am not a being with the neurological prerequisites to understand moral consequences and take his life morally seriously
I am not potentially threatening
I am not a mirror-reflected copy
I am not subject to dispute and re-interpretation based on alternate definitions
I am not composed of atoms and electrons
I am not an immoralist
I am not to be taken seriously as a component of my experience
I am not an eleven-dimensional not consistent supergravity reduction line
I am not outside of any psychological states
I am not sugar, foam, pure sand or snow, cotton, clouds, or milk
I am not recasting knowledge
I am not difficult or impossible to convey
I am not
Pollock began painting with his canvases seeing viscous flows of paint. If I am in the space through which IT moves, the painting comes out of mathematical chaos. Forging beyond the changing art-world trends Pollock commented: "look”.
March 2008
This is a cut-up from a bunch of Wikipedia articles, i think it was pollock, chaos theory and critical-theory-something-or-other.
March 2008
This is a cut-up from a bunch of Wikipedia articles, i think it was pollock, chaos theory and critical-theory-something-or-other.
square head in striped gray shirt my stomach hurts i think i had to much coffee my head is kinda fat right now and i need to wash my hands they feel sticky and dry from sitting in this room to long slightly feeling that things are not alright what does that mean? switched between states of mind what switches what changes is there a switch or did i make that up?
3 more short ones from May 2008
-----------
Hungry for something other
than coffee
I want the green lite
and can't stomach
any more of that
vinegar shit i need
some banana/strawberry juice
low blood sugar
smushing thoughts roll
through the Broken
Baskets Rolloling
tongue of feeling is my body
Autan star scapes
warm tongue of
thought is bonding with
my spine. All red
and bumpy like
------------
Personality station in
black sunglasses and a new hip bag
golf ball surrounded by
nails in my left temple
left on Akien
do not enter and
construction
on my way to but greens
now where am i
-------------
through the Broken
Baskets Rolloling
tongue of feeling is my body
Autan star scapes
warm tongue of
thought is bonding with
my spine. All red
and bumpy like
------------
Personality station in
black sunglasses and a new hip bag
golf ball surrounded by
nails in my left temple
left on Akien
do not enter and
construction
on my way to but greens
now where am i
-------------
Hungry for something other
than coffee
I want the green lite
and can't stomach
any more of that
vinegar shit i need
some banana/strawberry juice
3 short ones from May 2008
--------
large rusted metal locomotive poking its way through my viscous flesh, it gives the tenses, gives and tenses. bulbous black ideas covering me like a sheet, until that is all there is and ending is an option now useful for me. one single second one single millionth of a millimeter.--------
feeling shell of my skin inside all ricocheting buzzing particles check my fingers while I wait for the movie to release me I am looking at the silhouette of my damaged finger I think I have two nails growing over top of one another
--------
garbage face smell, smell of washing dishes gols anarchy slopping wet food gotta getit Clean wanna belong live in fillmgive me more for a me something dinner i ahve not eten all my change for a cigarret america Rive smells like tadpools my childhood of tadpools why does it always smell like pankakes when i go around a corner?
-------
My April 18th
Magnolia pink blooms in the hazy smog sky but there is blue above.
sulfur lakes with geese and water birds tall dead grass, spiny bushes
Iron oxide red sprayed off the white paper
hidden aesthetic mountainousness splashes
dream of quartz pebbles in rain
hardness in damp smells
black dirt
April 2008
sulfur lakes with geese and water birds tall dead grass, spiny bushes
Iron oxide red sprayed off the white paper
hidden aesthetic mountainousness splashes
dream of quartz pebbles in rain
hardness in damp smells
black dirt
April 2008
Panic
I seem to big, size wise, for the world
The hotness of the room is dry and cozy to me in my sweater
The balconies form into jaws that gape at me
Must not go there
I seem to have some kind of sandpaper under my skin
It is wrong but what is it
Things used to be better then
Must not go there
If only things were different
I remember when things were better
Must not go there
March 2008
The hotness of the room is dry and cozy to me in my sweater
The balconies form into jaws that gape at me
Must not go there
I seem to have some kind of sandpaper under my skin
It is wrong but what is it
Things used to be better then
Must not go there
If only things were different
I remember when things were better
Must not go there
March 2008
scrape. grind dirt into my hair. hairs sticking out of dirty arms. rough textured knuckles. skinning slide across the lichen sandstone. crown dirt mingling in mind towards fungal advance. running crumbling in towards the edge of the hemlock wet with dew smell of dried stone and wet earth tumbling down the scraped sides. moss covered arms. eyes looking out of cobbles cracked around the edges by rain and wind.
March 2008
March 2008
Panic
Buzzing fingers,
It starts with a quickening of the heart
Then the skin starts to crawl,
There is a sudden deep understanding of the phrase “jump out of your skin”
I feel like there is something wrong with something
But I cannot put my finger on it,
It is just behind my eyes,
On the tip of my tongue.
I gotta get out.
My ears are ringing.
There is nowhere to run, but every cell want to run
Breathe and ride it out.
Its gonna be like this forever
Its gonna be like this forever
Its gonna be like this forever, NO!
Everything is always gonna go wrong, NO!.
Now I am get’n dizzy.
My head is swimming.
The traffic lights start to burn.
Why does everyone have there high beams on?
The music it not hitting me anymore, it seems to distance
I can’t quite tell how it is different, but it is.
I am losing it,
No just stay on track this happens all the time,
It is always the same you always survive, but what if it never stops,
How can I ever be happy, everything is wrong, NO.
My ears are starting to ring again.
Just breathe, okay okay okay, no its not that bad,
These are all just thoughts, all just little harmless boxes,
Breathe… … … ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
It’s not so bad now.
But, fuckers still have there high beams on.
March 2008
It starts with a quickening of the heart
Then the skin starts to crawl,
There is a sudden deep understanding of the phrase “jump out of your skin”
I feel like there is something wrong with something
But I cannot put my finger on it,
It is just behind my eyes,
On the tip of my tongue.
I gotta get out.
My ears are ringing.
There is nowhere to run, but every cell want to run
Breathe and ride it out.
Its gonna be like this forever
Its gonna be like this forever
Its gonna be like this forever, NO!
Everything is always gonna go wrong, NO!.
Now I am get’n dizzy.
My head is swimming.
The traffic lights start to burn.
Why does everyone have there high beams on?
The music it not hitting me anymore, it seems to distance
I can’t quite tell how it is different, but it is.
I am losing it,
No just stay on track this happens all the time,
It is always the same you always survive, but what if it never stops,
How can I ever be happy, everything is wrong, NO.
My ears are starting to ring again.
Just breathe, okay okay okay, no its not that bad,
These are all just thoughts, all just little harmless boxes,
Breathe… … … ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
It’s not so bad now.
But, fuckers still have there high beams on.
March 2008
Anxiety Poem
I filter the good things out into the air, the bad things end up eating the beauty in my life into disgust, the habitual human machinations eat there way thought the inner linings of my cloths wearing away the new fresh skin of my inner thigh. I can hold no love for the small things. Is life the thing that are struggling against to live? I cannot feel for the dying bird in the sidewalk, if anyone ever found out they would shoot me they would laugh they would kill the bird on me.
Rising out the air with highest stamina dark naggy vines invade my precious mind. Color is sucked form my eyes and my skin takes on the rough texture of wet concrete. I can’t seem to get anything straight in my vision it is there but it is not, I can’t seem to really see things anymore. At one point I could see things and they seemed bright and fun, but now I am dead to that view point. Washing around in my head supposed goodness evaded all my grasping thoughts. Grabbing for it always makes them fly farther away from me.
You are wrong, this is going to fuck up your mind everything is going to go wrong, you need a job, you need a girlfriend then everything will be all right, you need your own place, oh you got a job? Well it is wrong! You can’t do anything else. My car is fucked up, I don’t have enough energy to do anything, I am such a waste of life because I cannot do anything. I can’t think straight anymore, I can’t do it.
Rising out the air with highest stamina dark naggy vines invade my precious mind. Color is sucked form my eyes and my skin takes on the rough texture of wet concrete. I can’t seem to get anything straight in my vision it is there but it is not, I can’t seem to really see things anymore. At one point I could see things and they seemed bright and fun, but now I am dead to that view point. Washing around in my head supposed goodness evaded all my grasping thoughts. Grabbing for it always makes them fly farther away from me.
You are wrong, this is going to fuck up your mind everything is going to go wrong, you need a job, you need a girlfriend then everything will be all right, you need your own place, oh you got a job? Well it is wrong! You can’t do anything else. My car is fucked up, I don’t have enough energy to do anything, I am such a waste of life because I cannot do anything. I can’t think straight anymore, I can’t do it.
March 2008
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